


Frost Against Sunlight

by hongbab



Category: VIXX
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-24 17:03:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9773498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hongbab/pseuds/hongbab
Summary: Jaehwan is the heat of the sun in mid-July and Hongbin is the frost on a windowpane on the chilliest winter morning.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Recommended song: Ludovico Einaudi - [Burning](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIf2OXtDhhQ)

It’s one of those days when Hongbin feels like Earth is rejecting him like a healthy body tries to reject viruses. He seems to be a tough virus though, for here he is—he’s still here and still breathing, not feeling well enough to say that he’s alive, but he’s definitely functioning, managing to stay existent. He’s not sure if it’s intentional, he’d rather disappear, but a part of him insists on staying in this world, so he does, however small that part may be.

 

As he stands in the middle of the bedroom, eyes scanning the pile of clothes on the floor and the dirty coffee cups on the nightstand and the desk, wanting to get rid of the mess but feeling unable to  _move_ , too weak to lift his feet and start walking, he hears someone stepping in. It’s Jaehwan—freshly showered, hair blow-dried and curly, so fluffy on the top of his head that it reminds Hongbin of clouds: he imagines if he wanted to feel it with his fingers, they would go right through the locks like those aren’t more than an illusion. Maybe they aren’t; maybe Jaehwan is an illusion, who’s to say he isn’t when he beams at Hongbin like the sun at noon: bright and blinding, filling you with warmth and turning your skin tone from sickly pale to golden until you smell like summer.

 

Still, Hongbin’s skin is covered in goose bumps, because no matter how warm Jaehwan’s smile is, it can never alter Hongbin’s very being that has nothing to do with the sun and its warmth. He doesn’t think it can. Nothing can do that.

 

“Something wrong?” Jaehwan asks, brow furrowing, the soft little smile still intact, still blinding. “You’re standing there like a lost puppy.”

 

“I’m okay,” Hongbin replies, thinks, wants to believe. “I just… I’m okay.”

 

He isn’t, not today, but what even is so upsetting about today? Nothing special, and that makes Hongbin hate himself a tiny bit more, because normal people don’t feel like the universe evaporated from around them and left them in the middle of a black hole where nothing is supposed to exist, but there’s a glitch in the system and they are stuck in the centre of zero. He is the zero. He isn’t really  _anything_.

 

“Hey,” Jaehwan says, stepping closer, resting his hands comfortingly on Hongbin’s shoulders. He looks so tall and big, Hongbin has no idea how he can look like that, because Jaehwan is only a few inches taller than him, the difference is nearly unnoticeable when they stand next to each other, but now he has to look up at Jaehwan, nearly squinting to avoid the rays of his sun burning his irises. “You can talk to me anytime, you know? About anything. Something’s bugging you, I can tell.”

 

Hongbin looks at the clothes again, the dishes, messy bed and all, sees lint on the carpet, and lets out a sigh. He glances back up at Jaehwan—big and strong compared to him—, finds himself silently begging for something, but what?

 

“I don’t know what to do,” he says, voice unsteady. “Or, rather, I don’t know  _how_  to do the things I need to do.”

 

Jaehwan looks around the room, confused—he’s confused, Hongbin can see he is—, probably tries to understand what is so unnerving about doing the chores. Hongbin realizes now, he knows he’s been pleading with Jaehwan to understand that it’s not the clothes and not the cups, it’s Hongbin himself; his insides are tangled and he wants to unravel them, but can’t find a way on his own, he needs someone to help him because he’s wilting inside, ice spreads over his body and he doesn’t know how long it will take for his brain to freeze completely. If Jaehwan can’t help him, then no one can, because he can’t tell anybody about this feeling, they would think he’s gone crazy, they would take him to a doctor, maybe, but he’s not crazy, he’s just messed up right now. It will fade away, but it needs a little push to start fading, and Jaehwan could give it that little nudge. No one else.

 

Jaehwan blinks back at him, eyes roaming over Hongbin’s face, to see if something is off, if he missed the point where Hongbin broke. It takes a long moment for him to pull his hands back from Hongbin’s shoulders and Hongbin panics, the ice spreading faster, but then Jaehwan’s arms slide around his waist and draw him close, Jaehwan’s head resting where his palm did some seconds ago, a small noise escaping Hongbin’s throat as Jaehwan presses his warm chest against his own icy one. He can practically feel the small sparks the meeting of the two conflicting temperatures causes, he thinks it might hurt for Jaehwan as much as it hurts for him, so he waits, unmoving, for Jaehwan to push him away, but it never happens. Jaehwan’s hold around his waist is firm and sure for the next few seconds, and Hongbin finally lifts his heavy arms to clutch Jaehwan close, to allow himself to relax into the consoling touch, no matter how painful it is. His fingers tremble on the back of Jaehwan’s shirt, gripping it like Jaehwan is the lifebelt in this enormous ocean where a maelstrom is trying to swallow him whole, the water freezing him to death before he could properly drown.

 

“Are you cold?” Jaehwan asks, his arms tightening around Hongbin’s middle.

 

“No, I’m— I’m not,” Hongbin blurts out, his hands ever so jittery on Jaehwan’s back, fingertips sinking into the flesh.

 

“But you’re…” Jaehwan’s right arm slides further down, his hand sneaking under the hem of Hongbin’s shirt, warm fingers feeling like the tiny flames of a miniature fire licking at the small of his back. “You’re cold. Your body feels cold.”

 

“It’s always cold,” Hongbin replies, embarrassed, because he feels that little heat that’s still there inside him disappear at that; always nervous, always cold.

 

Jaehwan pulls back just a little to be able to look into Hongbin’s eyes with a searching, penetrating, overwhelming gaze, his fingertips gradually losing their temperature with every passing second he keeps them on Hongbin, and Hongbin feels sad, feels like a monster sucking the warmth out of Jaehwan only for it to slip by in the air, to cease to exist and leave both of them icy, lifeless.

 

“Why?” Jaehwan asks, his voice barely audible, glancing down at Hongbin’s lips.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

And Jaehwan kisses him, lips plump, lips warm; his tongue burns Hongbin’s, and it feels like— it feels like thunders and lightning bolts in Hongbin’s chest, because Jaehwan is the heat of the sun in mid-July and Hongbin is the frost on a windowpane on the chilliest winter morning. It blows up inside him, it hurts, but he can’t imagine how he could live so long without this pain—this pain that, as soon as he tasted it, drew him in, got him addicted, made him want more.

 

Jaehwan tugs his own T-shirt over his head to throw it away somewhere into the corner of the bedroom (creates a bigger mess), and gets rid of Hongbin’s as well, pulls him down on the floor and lays him on the carpet gently. Hongbin lets him catch his breath for a moment before he wraps both of his arms around Jaehwan’s neck and arches up to reach his lips again, needing the fireworks to set everything inside him ablaze.

 

Jaehwan’s lips press burn wounds onto his neck; they sting on his chest and all over his stomach, the jut of his hip and just above the waistband of his jeans—they get imprinted in every inch of his body as he runs his trembling fingers through Jaehwan’s silky hair that really feels like a cloud, but it stays there, he can twirl the curls around his digits.

 

“It— it hurts,” he gasps when Jaehwan’s tongue meets a spot on his collarbone.

 

“What hurts?” Jaehwan asks, now mouthing over the line of his jaw.

 

“You’re so warm. You’re… warm.”

 

“Warmth isn’t supposed to hurt, Hongbin.”

 

“It does. It hurts all the time.”

 

He cups Jaehwan’s face—frost against sunlight—and kisses him, bites his lower lip, lets Jaehwan heat up his mouth with his tongue and his torso with his hands, his legs with his own and his insides with the way he thrusts into him later, much later, when Hongbin’s need for the pain has increased and he stifles his screams in Jaehwan’s shoulder, Jaehwan’s breath cracking the ice on his neck as he whispers: “If you ever need warmth— if you ever feel cold, I’ll be here. I’ll be right here.”

 

“But I’m always cold,” Hongbin replies in a low, raspy voice, his words coming out sharp with every hurried intake of breath.

 

“Then I’ll always be here,” says Jaehwan and presses his mouth to Hongbin’s forehead, keeping it there even as Hongbin comes with Jaehwan’s name falling from his lips a few times like snowflakes fall from the grey sky, every syllable melting on his skin that Jaehwan has finally managed to warm up after so many years of it feeling numb. “Always,” Jaehwan breathes and bends down to kiss him, Hongbin swallowing his groans when his hips stutter and he comes as well.

 

“Always,” Hongbin echoes, hope choking his voice as he looks into Jaehwan’s dark, glinting eyes when he pulls back.

 

“Forever.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to talk to me about any of my stories or just vixx in general on [tumblr](http://hongbab.tumblr.com/), [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/hongbab) or [aff](http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/1061753) ♡ please support me on [ko-fi.com](https://ko-fi.com/hongbab) if you can ♡


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